May 22, 2023
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I saw you one week ago. That night the downloads started. It's been a week of constant downloads. I'm not sure why they come to me--I have my suspicions but that isn't relevant to you.
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So a few things in no particular order:
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1. You are doing the "right" thing according to your EGO, not according to your HIGHER SELF. Your ego and higher self are not in alignment. What your soul wants/needs is not what your ego mind wants for you. Therefore you are experiencing a lot of stress and pain as your higher self gives you hardships to force your hand. At the moment the earthquake has started and you're standing in the 100 story building watching it start to shake but refusing to leave the building. You are currently choosing the more challenging path in an effort to force your ego into submission. There is a higher, smoother road you could choose. Thus far you have been unwilling to go that route and unable to hear what anyone has said to you.
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2. You do not like working in an office. It pulls your energy down. That is the reason why the office is suffering. Finding a better balance between office time and traveling would make you happier.
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3. It's not about karma anymore. The karma is mostly cleared. Now it's about choices. Your higher self wants you to be HAPPY. Truly happy. Not content. Not going through the motions. There won't be a moment for you where you just know which road to take. The lesson is about making a CHOICE to be happy. The lesson is about realizing that you do not have to keep repeating these karmic patterns. You have the chance to actually be done if you so choose.
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4. Watch the patterns. Out of the FOG-- Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. There will be patterns of behavior that show you what to expect next. It gets better, it gets worse, but something will trigger the pattern. Once you see the pattern you will be able to see much more clearly what the next step should be to create happiness.
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5. No more banging your head against the wall. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If there is no concerted effort by the people in your life to change--and actions speak much louder than words-- then pay attention. When someone shows you who they are, especially in a pattern, believe them.
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6. Samantha will get through whatever it is. Your job is to love her totally unconditionally--in the same way you come to me when you're wide open. You also need to protect her from Lizzie's "barbs." My sense of it is that Lizzie gets passive aggressive or offers back-handed compliments that seem nice but are really tearing her down--things like that. You MUST put a stop to it IN FRONT OF SAMANTHA. Samantha needs to see you do it so she can learn to trust you more. You cannot take what Samantha says and does personally. You are her true safe space and that means she will dump on you. Love her through it.
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7. You can change you but no one else. You already know that. You changing in this marriage is NOT ENOUGH to get you the results you are trying to achieve. In a partnership, both people must be willing to do the super hard work and take responsibility for themselves. In the absence of full participation from both sides, and full ownership from both sides, the partnership falls apart.
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8. You are energetically carrying a lot of people but they aren't energetically carrying you back. There is an imbalance there to look at.
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9. A woman in partnership with you helps you to manifest at an exponential level. A woman who does not believe in you, in your career, or your soul purpose will drag you down versus helping your manifest at a higher level. You are currently seeing the results of that dynamic.
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10. You need to redefine failure. The ego version of what it means to fail and the higher self version are very different. The Higher Self and God want you to be HAPPY. They want you to fulfill your soul purpose and you can't do that in a constant state of stress and tip toeing and adjusting to be someone you are not. IF you set the intention for true happiness and love and support and compassion and all the other things you and I have talked about that you want, then you have to allow the energy in to create that. However, you also have to allow the ego death. That's the difficult part. Because what your ego thinks you "should" do, or what it thinks it wants is not in alignment with your highest path--thus the suffering and stress and challenge, etc. You are out of the flow.
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11. Dad says the money won't flow if you keep holding on so tightly. Things are falling apart for a reason. Stop looking at the closed door and look for the open ones. That's where your true path lies, and that's when the flow will re-emerge.
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12. Last time we worked together I re-integrated your second chakra--that is the emotional body. Now you have all these emotions and you don't know how to properly process them so you are shutting down. That's shutting down your third eye so you stay blind to the needs of your soul/higher self. I can help you process the emotions--in my home office with everyone home and treat you just like a regular client versus treating you like you. Or you can work with Chris or someone else. Or try automatic writing if you don't want to work with another person. When an issue comes to the surface, write down a starting sentence and then write stream of consciousness, meaning whatever comes out. If this interests you say so and I'll teach you to do it when I see you. I can bring examples of my own so you can see it.
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13. Finally, you said you didn't know what category to put me in. I'm the Answered Prayer. I'm the one that loves you back to yourself. I'm the one who sees you fully. I can do that in a journal like this. I can do it in ten minute talks every two weeks. I can do it as your friend, your confidant, or as something more. Regardless, spirit isn't letting me walk away from the soul contract. My job is to love you back to yourself in whatever capacity you will allow that. There are harder ways and easier ways and that's up to you, but my "mission" is clear. You need anything ever, I will be there. Period.
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May 30, 2023
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You have to tell her. Everything you have been and are experiencing are because you have been living out of alignment with who you are for so long in the main relationship in your life. Every lesson has gotten harder and more intense because you continue to try and be who she wants you to be rather than who you are. You do not care about appearances. You do not care about brand names. You do not care about trivial things. You want someone by your side who can represent you well, see you, appreciate you, and celebrate you. You continue to try and please someone who is unpleasable. You continue to try and earn the love of someone who cannot love herself let alone you. She cannot see you. In order to make the relationship real you must treat it as if it is real. As long as you hide major happenings in your life in the name of "I'm shielding her" or "why make her worry" or just plain hoping that it will go away before January, you are not being authentic to yourself or the relationship. And that inauthenticity is the reason all of this is happening. It's making you unhappy and your soul is pushing you through this crucible to force you to realize that you get to CHOOSE. It's not about karma. It can't be the relationship you want it to be if you don't treat it as if it is. Keeping the peace, giving, being of service? Those are all ego based ways to martyr yourself at her feet. A partnership is give and take, not just give. It lifts you up. It makes you a better version of your authentic self. It thrives when you are your authentic self. If you continue to pretend like it can be saved without treating it as a true relationship, you will continue to get outside pushback that forces your hand. If the relationship is real then you can weather the storm. If it is not then you are being authentic and you don't need your higher self to put you through these increasingly hard lessons. If you want the board off your back you HAVE TO TELL HER. Period. It will not go away if you do not own the whole thing and test the relationship. It will bring you closer or break it. Everything is about this relationship. All the money issues? Because you aren't living your most authentic self. All the work issues? Again, not living your authentic self. All the problems with your children? It keeps going. Your higher self will take it all away to put you on the path most appropriate for your soul work. You are choosing the ego path, not the soul path. So the soul will push you off that path to get you where you are intended to go. Be fully authentic WITHIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP if you want to be on the soul path. IF being authentic within the relationship results in divorce that is not a failure, that is opening the door to the right path. IF being authentic saves the relationship, turning it into what you need to be your best self, then you know you are in the right place. Remember, failure to the ego and failure to the soul are not the same thing.
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